Obedience vs Compliance

 I think we all want our children to obey us, out of respect and love and a desire to please (just as we should all desire to obey our Father in heaven).  

I've been thinking a lot about childrearing lately and about obedience from the heart versus compliance.  I think compliance comes from a place of fear, fear of punishment, fear of failure... that is not necessarily a bad thing in general.  We should comply with traffic laws, for example, or we may get a ticket and have to pay a fine, higher insurance rates, etc. 

But do we want compliance from our children?  Do we want them to fear us?  Fear and respect are not the same thing. Compliance also speaks of an outward action, to me, not of a heart-forward action. 

As with all parenting, discipline must come from a place of desiring to teach and instruct our children, to disciple them. How do we accomplish this?

First, we must realize that teaching our children to obey us will help them to obey God in their lives.  Our hearts must be right with the Lord and our desire to raise our children for His glory must be first in all we do.

Second, we have to make our expectations realistic (to the child's age and ability) and clearly communicated.  It is often a good thing to give a child a directive and then ask them to repeat it back to you.  This will ensure that they clearly understand what is expected of them. For very young children, or ones with difficulty with attention to detail, I often would give one instruction at a time.   "Clean your room" is overwhelming to any age child!  So I would say "Put your toys in your toy box and come back to me".  Then I would give the next instruction, one at a time.  The goal is not to have a clean room but to learn how to clean a room. This mindset is behind the very important part of homeschooling -- teaching your child how to learn. 

We teach our children immediate, cheerful obedience with no questions when they are little.  As they get older and mature, they are allowed and encouraged to respectfully say "May I ask why?" about something they are asked to do.  If it is a good time, we will take the opportunity to explain our request, our reasons, etc... because they need to learn what our thought processes are.  It's part of teaching them.  If it is not a good time for us to explain, we reply "Not now" and they go about their merry way.

Teaching the why behind the do... this is essential to parenting.  It's essential to our children's growth and maturity to learn "why" we do what we do, say what we say, believe what we believe. It ties heartstrings and strengthens relationships. 

Obedience, joyful obedience, is pleasing to our Lord! And that's not just obedience in relation to our children to us, but us to the Lord. 

You don't know what you don't know...

Today I had an epiphany.  Maybe that's a bit strong... but it *felt* like an epiphany! 

I realized an area in which I have been slack in the training of my children... but you know what?  Now that it has come to my attention, I will address it.  I spent several hours thinking as I was working and trying to figure things out and I realized a few things...

Children don't know what you don't teach them.

Maybe that sounds simplistic but here's what has been going through my head today...

We had an issue that needed to be addressed with our property.  I was outside with the boys thinking and working through the issue (water drainage issues) and I found myself growing frustrated with them at all of the undone things all around me... and then at myself... and I realized something... children don't know what you don't teach them.

When the oldest were young a wise mentor told me "You can do it all yourself when you have two or three but at some point you can't do it all yourself any more.  And you shouldn't.  It isn't fair. To them!" And she was right and I knew it so I purposed, through the Lord's help, to teach them to do household chores, laundry, animal chores, etc... We work together and many hands do make light work!

I went through various 'chore charts' through the years, my system morphed as they grew (maybe I'll address that more fully later).  But, right now, my house runs like a well-oiled machine almost all of the time.  I say that not to brag, at all, but to say 'training pays off'.  They know what to do and they do it.  I very, very rarely even have to remind or double-check... it just all gets done.  And if something isn't getting done, then we reassess and modify until the system is running smoothly again.  I think I took it for granted and somehow thought it would naturally affect all areas of their lives in the same way.

All of this to say, when I was outside working and getting frustrated with the undone stuff I realized we have changed houses again and I need to think through some changes we need to make to suit this house and property.  We've never lived anywhere with such 'needy' property.  This yard needs a lot of upkeep and we have more land here so there's more work to do.  It isn't getting done and that falls to me.  I am not an outdoorsey person, I don't go outside much so I didn't even realize how much is undone.  My children don't *see* the things I see that need to be done. Their eyes aren't trained to see those things and that falls to me.
It wasn't fair of me to expect them to just naturally know what to do.  I quickly realized my frustration wasn't really with them, but with me.  So now what do I do?  I address this just like I have addressed the inside chores.  I will walk around the house and property with my handy clipboard and make a list of all that needs to be done outside.  Ever.  Then I will divide those chores into daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, semiannually and annually and make lists.  I love lists.  I will figure out who is best suited to each job and then I will train them to see like I do.

I say all of this to say, when you see something that needs to be changed, change it.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  Recognize your failing and then let it go.  Don't dwell on it but learn from it.

I think this is a lesson for all areas of our lives.  We are our own worst enemies. 

Parenting 101

Younger moms, new moms, old moms (lol) often ask me for advice about certain issues they are dealing with so I wanted to compile this list to share with you.  These are thoughts gleaned from watching others, from asking questions, from reading books and mostly from prayer and reading the Word. This is very 'off the cuff' and I'm sure will be victim to much editing but until then I humbly offer... my best advice...

1. Be there.  Be physically present.  Be in the same space as your children.  It's not enough to live life with them, you must live life along side them.  It's not the same thing.  Engage in their lives, engage them in yours.

2.  Look at them when they are speaking to you. Look into their eyes.  Listen to them.  Listen.  Listen to their stories, their dreams, all of their little chatter.  It's important.  You have to train yourself to Look at their faces and Listen to them.  Put down your phone, close the laptop... whatever you are focused on.  If they learn that you will listen to the little stuff, they will talk to you about the big stuff.  And, really, it's all big stuff to them.

3. Don't allow things (behavior, dress, etc...) as a toddler that you know you would never allow as a teen.  A "cute" little sassy two year old will turn into a big sassy 14 year old.  And it won't be cute anymore. That 'itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini' that looks "so adorable" on your toddler... on a teen... 'adorable' may not be an apt description.

4. Be consistent.

5.  Say what you mean and mean what you say. This is one of the ways you build trust with your children.

6.  Words have power.  Power to heal, hurt, create, destroy, build up, encourage.  Don't think your words spoken harshly will have no lasting influence.  They will.  As will words of encouragement, a child is built of words.

7.  Expect their best but don't expect perfection. Expect excellence.  Excellence is one's personal best.  That does not look the same for every child in every situation.  Perfection is a lie.  Excellence is our goal.  But excellence for a four year old making her bed is not the same as excellence for a fourteen year old making her bed, ya know?  Expect what they are capable of accomplishing, just that, nothing more and nothing less.

8..  Teach them how to make decisions.  How?  Give them choices, give them decisions to make.  Talk through the choices, teach them how to discern.

9.  Allow them to fail.  While they are children.  At home,  Under your protection and guidance.  Failing is the first part of succeeding!

10.  Compliment their character not their physical beauty.  "You are so pretty" speaks to something beyond their control.  God make them beautiful.  Compliment their character, "you are kind", "you are good at sharing", "you are such a hard worker".  These are things they control.

11. Be direct with your commands.  Don't say "Johnny, go make your bed. Ok?"  Saying "ok?" implies that it's not a direct command, it's something they can choose to do or not do.  You don't mean it that way, you mean "ok?" to say 'do you understand what I'm saying'.  Children do not get nuances like this.  "Ok?" to them means, 'if you want to'.

12.  Don't thank your child for doing what they are supposed to do in the first place.  Thank them for their courtesies. Don't say 'thank you' when they make their bed.  They didn't do it for you.  They did it because they were supposed to do it.  It's a responsibility. That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't say "Great job making your bed!" because you absolutely should!  When you say "Johnny, can you bring me my water bottle?  I left it in the kitchen." and he does. Then you say "Thank  you".  He was fulfilling a request, not a command.  It was a courtesy you asked of him and he fulfilled it.

13. Don't use scripture as punishment.  2 Timothy 3:16 says "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness..."
I don't think this means that you should have a child write "Children obey your parents" a hundred times when they disobey.  I think this means when they disobey go to the scriptures, show them where their specific act of disobedience is a sin. But don't leave it there, also show them the consequence of that sin... And, most importantly, show them a loving God who sent His perfect son to pay the price for our sins, all of them.  That is doctrine, reproof, correction and instruction in righteousness.  Don't use the Bible for a punishment,  you want your children to Love the word of God!

14.  Time.  Quantity vs. Quality?  Both.  It's not either or.  One is not better than the other.  Both are necessary.  If you are in a season of life where you can not spend a huge quantity of time with your child, don't think that because you can't spend a lot that a little doesn't really matter because it does.  Ten minutes of eye-level, eye-seeking, one-on-one, fully-focused time talking to, playing with, interacting with your child... it makes a difference!  Conversely, if you are in an extremely busy season of life, don't think since you don't have 'quality time' that the quantity of time you spend is unimportant.  Living life alongside your child, having them in the room with you when you are working, allowing them to help wash dishes, and tidy up.. that matters!  Being *there* in a physical sense matters.

15. Major on the majors, minor on the minors.  And figure out what's *really* going on. It's sorta like allopathic medicine vs. naturopathic medicine. One treats the symptoms, one treats the source of the symptoms.  As a parent, we have to find the source and not just apply band-aids.  Don't be a Band-aid Parent.  Why did you child behave the way they did?  What's really going on in there?

16. When at all possible, the punishment should fit the crime (so to say). There is one level of discipline that is effective for acts of direct disobedience... but that is not necessarily (or maybe ever) the best approach for all situations.  I think of discipline as meaning to disciple, to teach, to guide... not to punish. Defiance gets punishment and then discipline... other acts of disobedience get discipline (in the teach, guide meaning).